Malcolm Gladwell on How to Make Sense of Strangers
The title of the book is something of a misnomer. I thought it would be a book on how to become more open to talking to new people. However, it specifically deals with the very heavy subject of managing communications in high pressure situations.
The author talks about testimonies in sexual harassment cases, police procedures, infiltration of CIA by Cuban spies, interactions of Hitler with another world leader, impact of alcohol consumption on our interactions, the difference between our intent and facial expressions, terrorist inquests post 9/11 attacks, how suicide works, financial scams, how judges make decisions during court proceedings, and many more such scenarios where it is critical to understand the strangers on the other side.
Concepts that shape our interactions with strangers:
- Default to Truth
Why do we get deceived by strangers lying to our face?
This is because we are intrinsically trusting. In an organic state, where we have no reason to believe that other person is lying, we default to truth. We trust any new statement on the face value. At times, we even go to the extent of justifying inconsistencies in others’ stories to believe in the default truth.
And the world cannot function otherwise. If we operate from the assumption that every statement from neighbour is a lie, all teachers are pedophiles, all our employees are cheats and all financial schemes are scams, we will have a very hard time functioning.
We should ask ourselves the question — do we want to live in a world of constant distrust and ambiguity. Do we want the police to question us like criminals all the time? Do we want our business interactions to be shrouded in distrust?
If anyone is duped by defaulting to truth, they deserve our sympathy, not criticism.
2. Transparency
We believe that people’s body language and expressions are always aligned with their behaviour. People’s demeanour is an exact replica of their inner state.
This is not true in many cases.
People’s demeanour is impacted by their confidence levels, their personality and their culture. People telling the truth can be fidgety and those devastated by sadness can appear calm outwardly.
The assumption of transparency and over-reliance on body language is perhaps the biggest contributor to miscommunication in our ordinary interactions.
The assumption of transparency is further distorted when one or both parties are intoxicated. The romantic signals and consent is difficult to interpret even when sober, and the interpretation becomes impossible in the state of inebriation.
The book makes a splendid case for not engaging with strangers when drunk and to practise excessive drinking in safe spaces with known people, or in a ritualised manner where expectations are clear.
3. Coupling
Lastly, there is the phenomena of coupling — behaviour is not only dependent on personal choices but also on context and location.
People who commit suicide do it at an instant of time when they are extremely agitated, using a method that is easily available to them. More than 90% of people who survive a suicide attempt do not try it again.
Same goes for crime. Very similar neighbourhoods have vastly varying degrees of crime. This is because the criminals link their behaviour with certain localities.
Extreme police surveillance in crime prone areas reduces crime as many more people operate as criminals there. If easily accessible methods of committing suicide become scarce then suicide rates drop.
To better communicate with strangers, it is not only important to understand their words and actions, but also the context they are operating from.
Final Thoughts
Will this book make you better at getting more dates or closing more business deals or even at talking to locals when traveling? Doubtful.
However, in the current scenario of oversimplified and divisive news, where everything is ‘us vs them’- this is a good reminder that no situation is ever so straight forward.
We should be aware of complexities in any interaction before arriving at a conclusion, assigning blame, or generalising.
